trying to be unnecessarily profound to the tune of an ice cream truck.

i'm having that search your inner self moving crisis, which basically means i wanted a chance to sit in my chair, the only uncovered surface in my apartment and pretend like thinking is a good excuse not to do work. i took my christmas lights down last because i knew going out on the balcony would make me mopey, as it is the place i love most in my apartment. it was easy to forget its charm through the winter and even up until today, the first truly gorgeous day of spring. 

i wanted to get the fuck out of my last apartment. i couldn't wait to move into this place, a little studio that was all my own and had a certain air about it that reminded me of my college dorm. granted, the cockroach invasion, the dead mouse in my wardrobe and  a host of other incidents, combined with my mounting collection of stuff and my absolute inability to move in the kitchen are all stellar reasons for a bigger, cleaner, less hole-y house. The biggest reason, of course, is coming home to my love every day. a part of me has craved that since i met him. 

change makes me moody, even when it's for the better. and superstitious too. today when i was cleaning the windowsill, the edge of the paper towel knocked a robin's egg i'd found off of the ledge. it was the egg i found on my way to this apartment for the first time it was mine. the egg was the first thing i put in here. it had grown extremely brittle since then. i realized the other day it couldn't come with me and i was going to leave it for the next person.  when i broke it i wondered if it was bad luck. now i'm not so sure. maybe its just  a reminder to let go, that i can not mark a territory i no longer own.  maybe it's a reminder to stop marking all my territories, to let down my careful hold on things, including myself. 

i'm glad i smashed that little egg. i'm glad that today was beautiful, and it reminded me how much i like my balcony and how much i like the neighborhood i'm leaving. because despite all these things that sadden me, i know that i'm leaving for a reason. and what i'm moving to will last me longer than an april day. i'm leaving cause i'm going home.