I'm not even joking, this scares the BGEEZUS out of me!

...especially the toddler in the green romper.

Dearest Darling Best Friend,

We are like hourglasses, you and I. Our sand is slowly moving toward our next turning point. Mid-March. Yes most of my coworkers may have some crazy obsession with basketball and brackets this month, but March Madness means something completely different to you and I.

There are three quests I bequeath to you. Your task number uno compliments my first task, as you are to recreate a recipe from your Real Simple magazine that got to ride around with you on our trip to Chicago. And remember, "No Garnished, Not Finished" said Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Food Guru Ted Allen. I want one of those pictures where you are holding your plate of food in front of you loud and proud (This means you need to be in the shot, tell Agent 99 to snap it).

Second, Chicago's glitter and excitement couldn't hold a candle to the simple time we always share together. I felt close to my inter-fashionista as I seam ripped out your vintage fur coat's pockets. The poor silk had gone to a better place, may they rest in peace. Then with machine and hand we crafted new purple pockets, classic! You are to find another article of clothing to refashion be it a missing button or adding detail. We all have "those projects." Sometimes wedged in the back of the closet or it magically gets hidden in another room. Seek, find, and conjure (or concure)!

Third, after you left I knew the smell of books and magazines would lift my spirits. Therefore after Goodwilling it, I slid into my Barnes and Noble gently caressing the bound books, my cheek pressed up against the beginning of Author's whose last name start with 'G' in the Romance section. I picked up the next two in the Dark-Hunter series by Shannon Kenyon (a great recommend by Agent 99). I also caught up on some magazinage, Ready Made, Inked and a special edition of Horror magazine all about werewolves. Ready Made had an amazing article about Modern Dioramas, it caught my eye as I did the flip-through-to-decide-between-this-and-Vogue. If you read the article you will see that they had some coloring book type clip art and painted them. I love your drawings. I want you to draw me some clip art in black pen on white paper and either email me the scanned or mail them over so I can create a diorama for my mama (actually it's for my wall but mama rhymed).

let me count the ways....

This is the amazing framed love shrine miss rogers sent back with me to philadelphia. in the cabochons (yes there is a name for those little glass fish tank pebbles) in the beer bottles we have a bed for sex, pomegranate for fertility, a couple for marriage, a color wheel for i don't remember, umm...maybe for gay marriage?... scissors for crafts and a red cross, which i also don't remember the purpose of... health, nurses, religion? the blue eyes on the bottom keep us safe from the evil eye and the wolves are a sarah way of calling down love. the skulls are just sort of, you know, obligatory. or maybe eternity, the fleetingness of life...i dunno, either way they are B.A. the back is tin, which cut her, so some bloodshed went into the love shrine, which sounds about right. the mardi gras beads around are obviously for boobs. the mexican soap opera couple in the middle are just plain awesome.  and the heart at the top you hopefully understand. isn't my girl clever and talented?

fun time project inspiration

so miss sarah, let's inspire each other to be better so we can be happier until we are closer. This week you have TWO tasks and I want photo documentation of both. 

number one: buy some nails and  some sticky tack on your way home from work and have an apartment wide scavenger hunt for things that you've been meaning to hang up but that are lying on the floor or piled on a chair or shelf.

number two: cook a meal made entirely from ingredients bought at the local organic shop that is no longer intimidating. take a cookbook-style photo of it on your cleared off kitchen table. 

And lastly, come up with a project (or two) for me to do over the week that will inspire me. 

i love you. 

This is not sexy.

In 6th grade we learned about business, and to get some hands on experience we came up with a business idea and had a market day at school. My idea may have not been the best, I sewed scrunchies. I remember some were plaid and some had sunflowers on them. I think I broke even after I covered my costs.

The most popular idea was by one of the most popular boys in school, Brad, who happen to be in my class. Since it was close to Christmas, he brought in a Santa Clause and took a Polaroid of you and Saint Nick. I always wondered what if I had done that idea, would it have been as popular or was it Brad's allure? Almost everyone got their picture taken with Santa, most of the middle school girls made kissy faces and pushed up their push-up bra cleavage further.

Now when I go to craft shows, or browse around on Etsy.com I can always spot the "scrunchies tables" and the those artists/vendors that are actually getting business. In reading an article by The Bloggess on Sexismagazine.com I found a site that had me laughing hysterically. Penislets, in other words brackets for your Johnson. You can choose from fine categories such as patriotic, jellyfish jingle, all sorts of colors, even an Obama penislet, one of the word penislets, "Sexy" is featured above.

Then I saw IT, and now I have seen it all: Penis Muffs. What did the creator of Penis Muff have in mind when they created such craziness, (and I quote directly) "There is so much sexy bedroom clothing for women, but there really isn't anything for men. Now there is!" Sorry men, I think its safe to say you still lack sexy boudoir attire. Well, unless you got the Stretchy Burgundy Glitter Muff... glitter is always a turn on.

Thoughts on Vag Makeup?

I'm ready for my close up Mr. Deville has a whole new meaning.