what i meant when i told emily wexler she dances like a crazy person.

i've been thinking about this a lot because of course, what i said did not come out right and i'm terrified of hurting emily's feelings when what i really want to do is explain that to me watching her dances is like discovering the truth.

i hate words like raw and visceral, so we're not going to use them here. what i'm trying to do  is explain what i meant by crazy, which might be impossible, because the more i think about it, there is no language for what i'm trying to explain. if you ask emily, she'll probably tell you she is truly crazy sometimes, crazy in the literal, but that's not at all what i'm going for. Is there a word that leaves the actions but removes the helplessness of being crazed? that strips desperation of its negative connotation and leaves it with only its force? somewhere in the spaces between these definitions is the word i'm looking for. 

it's true that emily and i are friends, so i am predisposed to like the work she creates. not simply for any reasons of loyalty, either, but because we share the same tastes. i do not, however, think we are alone. there is a community of us who feel ourselves in that not-really-crazy crazy that i'm trying so desperately in vain to qualify. to us emily's dances are a boon. watching her is mesmerizing, it's as if that urge that sometimes compels me to kick furniture or scream uncontrollably  is made manifest in her work. and all the while it's so logical. when you feel your life is out of control and you can't even stand to be in the skin you're in, rub it off. when you feel pain and loss and heartbreak, break something. this is an oversimplification, obviously, but these moments that have such clarity for me are at the heart of why i am transfixed when i'm watching her. what i see seems so nakedly honest and true that it's hard to explain it further. 

i'm thinking of amending what i said earlier. i don't think there is a community of people who feel they are a little bit crazy but not really. i think ALL of us feel that way every now and again. maybe i meant crazy on a wide enough scale that it goes back to normal, or maybe what i mean is that when i say crazy i mean real.