Remember when I said I wanted to be an advice columinst?

And I said I would make questions up if no one sent me any? well, someone did. and i thank her. here's my crack at helping:

kathleen,

i have a problem. the thing about this problem is, it's going to sound like a joke, but it is really very real. here we go:i like rough sex. i'm into that sort of thing in a major way. my current boyfriend, who is totally my soul mate, completely satisfies me in every way, BUT he is too large in the penis to engage in the sort of rough and tumble sex i crave without there being dire consequences (last time i bruised my cervix). what do i do?

sincerely,sore in the south

Faced with my first opportunity to offer some advice, I obviously had no idea what to do and turned immediately to this generation's true Ann Landers, the internet. I must say, you’ve posed an interesting question in that while I was able to find lots of testimonials of women who’d felt pain after rough sex, most of them just wanted to know what was going on or what to do, not how to fix the problem long term. Usually anyone responding to them told them that they had probably been torn or bruised and said to take some Tylenol.

So first things first, the responsible advising thing to do, as garnered from trolling the internet and also years of devotion to Dan Savage (who surprisingly offered little help on this particular problem) is to recommend that you take a trip to the gyno first if you haven’t in a while. Considering you know you bruised your cervix, you may well have done this already. If not, it might be a good idea just to make sure nothing else is going on that could be exacerbating the pain. I read some real horror stories on all sorts of sites dedicated to lady parts that made me want to run to the doctor as well.

Next, let’s talk about the bruised cervix because that’s a specific we know. The other dire consequences we can go into later. One thing that might be helpful is to keep track of your menstrual cycle so you can gauge the position of your cervix. At times when it sits lower, like at the beginning of your cycle and after ovulation, you’ll know to be especially careful.

As for other consequences, such as pain, tearing or bleeding, there are several things that might help. If your partner feels to big, work slowly (and with a lot of lube) on easing into different angles and positions that hurt less. The lube thing may be important, as the number one reason for tearing (and consequently bleeding) is a lack of proper lubrication. Make sure you’re good and turned on (foreplay, boys!) before you start and if you’re going to be having sex for a while, make sure you stay, for lack of a better term, oiled up. Another frequent cause for pain and tearing is tension. You may not even realize you’re tensing up, but your body may be doing it in response to remembering former pain. So maybe a glass of wine first.
Another thing worth considering, and you may well have already, is toys. If your boyfriend is just too big, maybe invest in something that isn't, either to get you going or just to use once in a while.

And the most important bit of advice, and the something that actually comes from me, is to just keep talking about it and working on it with your partner. All the message board ladies were willing to testify that there is no such thing as too big, it just takes time and effort and communication (and, again, angling). C'mon, with love anything is possible.